Farewell

I am announcing that I will no longer be posting on this blog. I started this blog to work through some personal issues and feel that I have at long last been able to deal with them. I now only have to work on forgiving those that tormented me. It will not be an easy process, but a necessary one. I urge anyone being bullied to speak up and ask someone for help. Don't make the mistake I made and suffer in silence. Help will be given if you ask.

Bullying is a Crime

I'm taking  a break from my story because recently I read an article on Psychology Today that held the opinion that bullies are just as much as a victim as the person they bullied. That consequences for the actions despite what might have happened to the person they bullied should be the last thing on the agenda and instead should be showered with love, sympathy, understanding, and have long talks about why this is wrong. I was disturbed by this. I can agree that bullies deserve a second chance and should seek some sort of therapy to truly understand how awful what they did was, but when a child dies or commits a crime as direct result of the bullying how can the bully not be held responsible. If I had gone through with my suicidal thoughts I hope my parents would have tried to pursue homicide charges on my behalf because that is what that is. They push a person until they think they have no worth and in a sense convince a person that their best option is death and in some cases some people lash out instead with a screw you mentality. When you think the whole world hates you and no one cares. When you think that you have nothing to loose to those kids who decided on violence towards others instead of themselves they didn't think about consequences because in their world they had already lost everything.  Bullies whether people like it or not have blood on their hands and the only way to get through to people that it's not okay to bully is if there are severe consequences for those actions. No kid is going to care much about a slap on the wrist, but if a victim of bullying can prove and it's more than word against word jail time should be brought up along with mandatory counseling for both sides. Counseling for the bully to help them understand how wrong what they did was and for the victim to help them understand the world doesn't hate them.

Silent Screams

When it was just students bullying me I was able to keep hope alive that someone cared and maybe the horrible things they said weren't true, but when a teacher or two joined in I began to doubt. I thought if the teacher agrees with them it must be true. So my self esteem shattered into pieces and I felt like I was stuck.
Stuck in a deep dark hole screaming for help, but when someone saw my pain they'd just join in. That was my view.
At this point while home was a relief I couldn't help but relive everything that happened and really dwell on it. I came to the conclusion that Yeah I was a worthless loser. I thought that I was so worthless that I was a bother to everyone around me by just breathing air.
The never ending words of infliction just seamed to fall on me like a violent rain storm that wouldn't stop. As much as I tried to shrug it off eventually I couldn't. My umbrella was broken from the rain pounding on it and now it all just seeped in.

I saw myself as disgusting and grotesque. I began to think long and hard of how to end it all. Suicide seemed like a reasonable answer to my troubles. It was obvious to me at the time that no one really cared and I'd be doing people a favor by not stealing their air anymore. So one day after school I was home alone. I worked up the courage to grab a knife from the kitchen. I was putting the blade to my wrist when my father pulled up in the driveway. Since he was home it was obvious that if tried now I'd only be caught and I didn't want that. My father saved my life that day.
In the days that followed I kind of went into a stand by mode where I was waiting for a good opportunity. One day when I was walking home from school a thought popped into my head. A thought that seemed impossible for me to come up with. I believe that God forced this thought into my head to get me to think.
The thought was what about Mom, Dad, and my brother? They had never done anything to indicate they didn't care. I suddenly tried to think of how I could have contemplated suicide so seriously without thinking how that decision would affect my family. So that day I swore I wouldn't kill myself.
Because of this a great deal of anger just slowly built up to the point where I needed someone to blame and the day I figured out it was easy to blame God was the day I walked away from him. Fortunately for me God doesn't give up on people that easily.

Worth Mentioning

My last post a talked a lot about a teacher who was terrible. I thought because of my last post I should take the time to point out the two teachers who actually made a difference that year. They were good teachers and even though it was hard for me to see the good these were two classes I didn't mind taking. I'm sad to admit I no longer remember their names. In the process of trying to forget everything I have discovered that I forgot good things and clung to bad things. Not to healthy.

The first teacher I'm going to mention is my history/civics teacher. He made sure there was no funny business in his classroom. Everyone was treated the same in his classroom. So he probably had no idea what was going on with me because kids were to afraid to act up in his class. Which is why I loved his class. It was an hour of peace! It felt especially good when my project for that class was used as an example of how the paper should have been done. He said my paper was one of the best he had come across in years! It was great hearing those words and knowing those who picked on me heard them to!

It was a project that for some reason had to come with samples of certain spices. I don't remember the project specifically. I couldn't stand the thought of dumping spices in zip-lock bags and stapling them to a piece of computer paper. So I brainstormed with my mom and together we came up with the idea of taping the spices to the paper. I guess he was thrilled to have a paper with no bags!

The other was my art teacher. She knew very well what was going on. In her class one side of the room was in groups and the other side was in twos. I was orginally part of larger group. She noticed that I stopped talking at the table and there was alot of laughing and pointing in my direction. She took the time to ask if I wanted a different seat. I gratefully accepted and sat by one of the few people who didn't mind talking to me.  The class still wasn't easy with that group there, but a lot easier now that I didn't have to share the same table with them! I thank this teacher whoever they are!

I did especially well in these two classes because if felt like the teachers actually cared. Something I wish all teachers shared.

English Teacher

My seventh grade English teacher would forever give me a slanted view of all teachers. This teacher that crossed my path in life is by far one of the worst teachers to ever enter the profession and should have been fired. In fact his performance in the classroom was so awful I'm not bothering to change his name. Someone who is that bad at their job should be ashamed.
Mr. Teal was my seventh grade English teacher. A lot of students would make fun of him. He wore wire rim glasses that were to big for his skinny face and he had a tendency to waddle like a duck when he walked. My teachers I'm sure knew what was going on. It doesn't take a genius to figure out who the kids like to pick on.
My opinion of Mr. Teal is so devastating low because he not only didn't do anything, but he participated in the bullying. His behavior encouraged the kids to continue their bullying. It was like sending a message that bullying was okay. This is one teacher I still have not been able to forgive and while I hope to one day. Right now it's not in the cards.
In began small with Mr. Teal as well. When I was getting along with the other students he hardly noticed me, but it wasn't long before I didn't have anyone to sit next to. The whole class would gather in groups in his class room just to trash talk about me. The majority of the harder questions were aimed at me. Fortunately English is a subject I excel at and to his frustration I always answered correctly.
Once he was so frustrated at not being able to make me look dumb that he went on a twenty five minute rant on how Christianity was a myth. Anyone who believed in it was a moron. Needless to say parents complained including my own. He was forced to apologize to the class. Their is nothing wrong with holding different beliefs but you don't teach those in the classroom.
There was a English report we had to write and he wanted us to write ours on a person. Someone we knew or a person from history or a person from literature. I chose to write mine on my nana. She had an amazing life that is novel worthy. I've always loved to write and because of this I wrote better than a lot of my classmates. He read one paragraph and yelled at me in front of the class for plagerism. When I told him the report was on my nana. He just became more angry and ranted and raved over forty minutes about plagerism. How only low life idiots stoop that low. He looked at me the whole time. He reluctantly gave me an B-.
There was one day that I had to have all my teachers sign a slip because I was absent the day before. My slip was stolen in gym class. So when I couldn't provide the slip for him he sent me to the dean's office. Most  teachers would sent me back to homeroom to get another slip after hearing my explanation. The dean actually ripped up the refferal. He said that this was the most ridicoulus thing he ever heard and sent me to home room to get a new slip. I took my time and arrived at the end of class and got my slip signed before going to my next class.
Needless to say this teacher forever changed how I think about teachers. Now when I go into a classroom instead of assuming the teacher is a nice person there to teach us. I assume their bastards their to kick us around. It's up to them to prove me wrong. Many do, but some don't. After that experience I came to the conclusion that people in general were just completely untrustworthy. That you'd have the same chances of being best friends with a psychopath as with any other person. In my mind no one deserved to be trusted.
To top it all off I was being insulted not just by students but teachers as well. So I was beginning to think that if my teacher thinks it than it must be true.

Third Wheel

It didn't happen right away. The process was more gradual. At first we seemed to be great friends. We went to classes together, ate lunch together, and talked about things we could do after school. It really began when one of the girls asked my opinion of one of the others. I hadn't gotten to know that person real well yet and not wanting to make any hasty judgements I simply said I didn't really have an opinion yet because I didn't know them to well yet. The next thing I knew she was turning around and telling the whole table that I hated her. I of course told them that was not what I said and told them what I actually said, but the damage had already been done.
Soon the three girls who had been my friends began to slowly exclude me from things. When I went to walk with them to classes I was ignored and eventually they began to walk in a way that I was forced to walk by myself. Then I found that they had someone sit in my seat in the classes so I couldn't sit next to them any more. Eventually one day when I was on my to lunch with them they gave me a glare as if saying your not coming are you?
When your a kid lunch table seating is decided on the first day of school. So when I was forced to look elsewhere to sit it wasn't easy. I had to find a table that not only had an empty seat, but would allow me to sit there. Many tables when they saw me coming would put their books down in the empty seat. Luckily I found a table that had a couple of empty seats and I would sit there for the remainder of the school year. If it hadn't been for that table I may have been eating in the bathroom.
I also found that making friends was difficult. The girls had made it their job to make sure no one would take the time to get to know me. I had become that girl that know one wants to go nowhere near. All this over a simple misunderstanding.

New Friends, New School.

I started middle school with a positive attitude. I saw seventh grade as an opportunity to make new friends in a new school. I was hoping that my pattern from elementary school wouldn't follow. Every other year I would have plenty of friends. I had a tendency to make friends with people who moved or ended up going to a different school. Of course some friends I just lost touch with. So middle school seemed like a great opportunity to drop the past and perhaps reinvent myself. I had decided to force myself to be a little more outgoing and sociable.
I've always been on the quite side and found it hard to just jump in and start a conversation. So I figured I didn't have to be the quite girl know one really knew anymore. I could be sociable to. Thinking back being shy and staying that way for another grade would have been wise.
Anyway I met my soon to be "friends" outside the school through someone I had been friends with in elementary school. She and I didn't share any classes but she she knew someone who did. Her name was Natalie (name has been changed) and we decided to go to class together. Our first class was math.
It was in that class that we met up with Natalie's friends Aubrey (changed) and Ember (changed). We discovered we shared all the same classes and the same lunch period.
I figured I had just started the path to three great friendships. In my view we were friends. We walked to classes together. Ate lunch together and talked and gossiped with each other. I was the new one in the group and still a little reserved, but talking was awkward for me. I was still learning to socialize. While it comes with ease to many, for an introvert socializing is not a natural thing. Maybe it was because of this that things would eventually take a darker turn.