Silent Screams

When it was just students bullying me I was able to keep hope alive that someone cared and maybe the horrible things they said weren't true, but when a teacher or two joined in I began to doubt. I thought if the teacher agrees with them it must be true. So my self esteem shattered into pieces and I felt like I was stuck.
Stuck in a deep dark hole screaming for help, but when someone saw my pain they'd just join in. That was my view.
At this point while home was a relief I couldn't help but relive everything that happened and really dwell on it. I came to the conclusion that Yeah I was a worthless loser. I thought that I was so worthless that I was a bother to everyone around me by just breathing air.
The never ending words of infliction just seamed to fall on me like a violent rain storm that wouldn't stop. As much as I tried to shrug it off eventually I couldn't. My umbrella was broken from the rain pounding on it and now it all just seeped in.

I saw myself as disgusting and grotesque. I began to think long and hard of how to end it all. Suicide seemed like a reasonable answer to my troubles. It was obvious to me at the time that no one really cared and I'd be doing people a favor by not stealing their air anymore. So one day after school I was home alone. I worked up the courage to grab a knife from the kitchen. I was putting the blade to my wrist when my father pulled up in the driveway. Since he was home it was obvious that if tried now I'd only be caught and I didn't want that. My father saved my life that day.
In the days that followed I kind of went into a stand by mode where I was waiting for a good opportunity. One day when I was walking home from school a thought popped into my head. A thought that seemed impossible for me to come up with. I believe that God forced this thought into my head to get me to think.
The thought was what about Mom, Dad, and my brother? They had never done anything to indicate they didn't care. I suddenly tried to think of how I could have contemplated suicide so seriously without thinking how that decision would affect my family. So that day I swore I wouldn't kill myself.
Because of this a great deal of anger just slowly built up to the point where I needed someone to blame and the day I figured out it was easy to blame God was the day I walked away from him. Fortunately for me God doesn't give up on people that easily.