Silent Screams

When it was just students bullying me I was able to keep hope alive that someone cared and maybe the horrible things they said weren't true, but when a teacher or two joined in I began to doubt. I thought if the teacher agrees with them it must be true. So my self esteem shattered into pieces and I felt like I was stuck.
Stuck in a deep dark hole screaming for help, but when someone saw my pain they'd just join in. That was my view.
At this point while home was a relief I couldn't help but relive everything that happened and really dwell on it. I came to the conclusion that Yeah I was a worthless loser. I thought that I was so worthless that I was a bother to everyone around me by just breathing air.
The never ending words of infliction just seamed to fall on me like a violent rain storm that wouldn't stop. As much as I tried to shrug it off eventually I couldn't. My umbrella was broken from the rain pounding on it and now it all just seeped in.

I saw myself as disgusting and grotesque. I began to think long and hard of how to end it all. Suicide seemed like a reasonable answer to my troubles. It was obvious to me at the time that no one really cared and I'd be doing people a favor by not stealing their air anymore. So one day after school I was home alone. I worked up the courage to grab a knife from the kitchen. I was putting the blade to my wrist when my father pulled up in the driveway. Since he was home it was obvious that if tried now I'd only be caught and I didn't want that. My father saved my life that day.
In the days that followed I kind of went into a stand by mode where I was waiting for a good opportunity. One day when I was walking home from school a thought popped into my head. A thought that seemed impossible for me to come up with. I believe that God forced this thought into my head to get me to think.
The thought was what about Mom, Dad, and my brother? They had never done anything to indicate they didn't care. I suddenly tried to think of how I could have contemplated suicide so seriously without thinking how that decision would affect my family. So that day I swore I wouldn't kill myself.
Because of this a great deal of anger just slowly built up to the point where I needed someone to blame and the day I figured out it was easy to blame God was the day I walked away from him. Fortunately for me God doesn't give up on people that easily.

Worth Mentioning

My last post a talked a lot about a teacher who was terrible. I thought because of my last post I should take the time to point out the two teachers who actually made a difference that year. They were good teachers and even though it was hard for me to see the good these were two classes I didn't mind taking. I'm sad to admit I no longer remember their names. In the process of trying to forget everything I have discovered that I forgot good things and clung to bad things. Not to healthy.

The first teacher I'm going to mention is my history/civics teacher. He made sure there was no funny business in his classroom. Everyone was treated the same in his classroom. So he probably had no idea what was going on with me because kids were to afraid to act up in his class. Which is why I loved his class. It was an hour of peace! It felt especially good when my project for that class was used as an example of how the paper should have been done. He said my paper was one of the best he had come across in years! It was great hearing those words and knowing those who picked on me heard them to!

It was a project that for some reason had to come with samples of certain spices. I don't remember the project specifically. I couldn't stand the thought of dumping spices in zip-lock bags and stapling them to a piece of computer paper. So I brainstormed with my mom and together we came up with the idea of taping the spices to the paper. I guess he was thrilled to have a paper with no bags!

The other was my art teacher. She knew very well what was going on. In her class one side of the room was in groups and the other side was in twos. I was orginally part of larger group. She noticed that I stopped talking at the table and there was alot of laughing and pointing in my direction. She took the time to ask if I wanted a different seat. I gratefully accepted and sat by one of the few people who didn't mind talking to me.  The class still wasn't easy with that group there, but a lot easier now that I didn't have to share the same table with them! I thank this teacher whoever they are!

I did especially well in these two classes because if felt like the teachers actually cared. Something I wish all teachers shared.

English Teacher

My seventh grade English teacher would forever give me a slanted view of all teachers. This teacher that crossed my path in life is by far one of the worst teachers to ever enter the profession and should have been fired. In fact his performance in the classroom was so awful I'm not bothering to change his name. Someone who is that bad at their job should be ashamed.
Mr. Teal was my seventh grade English teacher. A lot of students would make fun of him. He wore wire rim glasses that were to big for his skinny face and he had a tendency to waddle like a duck when he walked. My teachers I'm sure knew what was going on. It doesn't take a genius to figure out who the kids like to pick on.
My opinion of Mr. Teal is so devastating low because he not only didn't do anything, but he participated in the bullying. His behavior encouraged the kids to continue their bullying. It was like sending a message that bullying was okay. This is one teacher I still have not been able to forgive and while I hope to one day. Right now it's not in the cards.
In began small with Mr. Teal as well. When I was getting along with the other students he hardly noticed me, but it wasn't long before I didn't have anyone to sit next to. The whole class would gather in groups in his class room just to trash talk about me. The majority of the harder questions were aimed at me. Fortunately English is a subject I excel at and to his frustration I always answered correctly.
Once he was so frustrated at not being able to make me look dumb that he went on a twenty five minute rant on how Christianity was a myth. Anyone who believed in it was a moron. Needless to say parents complained including my own. He was forced to apologize to the class. Their is nothing wrong with holding different beliefs but you don't teach those in the classroom.
There was a English report we had to write and he wanted us to write ours on a person. Someone we knew or a person from history or a person from literature. I chose to write mine on my nana. She had an amazing life that is novel worthy. I've always loved to write and because of this I wrote better than a lot of my classmates. He read one paragraph and yelled at me in front of the class for plagerism. When I told him the report was on my nana. He just became more angry and ranted and raved over forty minutes about plagerism. How only low life idiots stoop that low. He looked at me the whole time. He reluctantly gave me an B-.
There was one day that I had to have all my teachers sign a slip because I was absent the day before. My slip was stolen in gym class. So when I couldn't provide the slip for him he sent me to the dean's office. Most  teachers would sent me back to homeroom to get another slip after hearing my explanation. The dean actually ripped up the refferal. He said that this was the most ridicoulus thing he ever heard and sent me to home room to get a new slip. I took my time and arrived at the end of class and got my slip signed before going to my next class.
Needless to say this teacher forever changed how I think about teachers. Now when I go into a classroom instead of assuming the teacher is a nice person there to teach us. I assume their bastards their to kick us around. It's up to them to prove me wrong. Many do, but some don't. After that experience I came to the conclusion that people in general were just completely untrustworthy. That you'd have the same chances of being best friends with a psychopath as with any other person. In my mind no one deserved to be trusted.
To top it all off I was being insulted not just by students but teachers as well. So I was beginning to think that if my teacher thinks it than it must be true.